Cleft Living

I had a revelation in bible study today, and since I needed to process it, I thought I would write about it here. I am studying "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place," the revised version by Beth Moore. We were reading Exodus 33, where Moses pleads with God to not send the Israelites on their way if He is not going to go with them. At the end of the chapter, God reveals His goodness and His glory to Moses by placing him in the cleft of the mountain with His hand covering him, letting Moses only see His back. Beth said, paraphrased, could it be that there are dark times in our life not because God is absent but because He has hidden us in a cleft and covered us with His hand while He works for our good in the heavenlies? We won't always be able to see God coming, or even working during those tough times, but if we are waiting and looking for it, we'll be able to see His back as He leads us out into our promised lands.
Oh, how I needed to hear that. Mohit and I have been through a dark season these last couple of months, and I am just now starting to see the dawn. While we agree on a theorhetical concept, we have not been able to agree on the practical application in our own life. This is something we have struggled with for six years of our eight year marriage. When the issue finally came to a head, and I couldn't see any possibility of light in our future, God gave me a song by Josh Wilson, "Before the Morning." The lyrics are as follows:

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now?
Or maybe, there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending.
Someday, somehow, you'll see, you'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming.
So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
Is just the dark before the morning.

My friend, you know how this all ends,
And you know where you're going.
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer.
And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot,
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory.

As I was looking up these lyrics to write them here, I stumbled upon the story behind the song. Check it out here.

Now, as I'm watching the dawn break over our marriage, I can rejoice in the fact that God hid us in the cleft, covered us with His hand, while He worked in the heavenlies and in our hearts. I'm not sure what our future will hold, but I face it confidently, knowing I can praise and glorify God for what He has purposed for us.

Sadness...and a better future?

We found out 14 months ago that Ethan has some allergies. I say some, though I really should say, "TONS!" He is allergic to wheat, oats, rye, barley, soy, egg, dairy, beef, pineapple, melon/cantaloupe, peanuts (so badly we have to carry an epipen with us everywhere), and the biggest one...dogs!

My first children were our two beagles, Snoopy and Rebel. I received Snoopy as my first-year anniversary gift from Mohit. We adopted Rebel 1.5 years later to keep Snoopy company. They have been my constant companions through all the snowstorms, the power outages, the move across country, Mohit's business trips, sleepless nights with Ethan, and more. And about a month ago, I realized we needed to find them another home. It was a struggle, and the Lord took His time convincing me, but I realized that Ethan's skin rashes would never clear up while we had two shedding dogs in our house.

So, the search began. I typed up a flyer and announced it in my classes, had my parents send it out to their friends and coworkers, contacted a beagle-only rescue organization in Seattle and announced it as a prayer request at Bible study. This was the wool I laid out before God: If You have prepared a home, let that family come forward and want both dogs. Give me peace about it. If they are meant to stay with us, let no one contact us. I didn't want to have to agonize over whether or not a family would take care of my four-legged children like I did. I wanted to know and feel okay about giving them away.

PTL, a woman from my Bible study spoke to her husband. They had been looking to add a dog to their family for quite some time, and nothing seemed to work out. They came to visit Snoopy and Rebel last Tuesday with their 10-month-old son, and they fell in love.

Now the house is quiet. No dogs welcoming me home from a hectic day at work. No dogs whining on the back of the couch an hour before feeding time. No worries if someone comes to the door during Ethan's naps, because there is no Snoopy to barrel down the stairs, howling all the way. No need to go for a walk every day, unless I'm feeling a little stir crazy. No Snnopy scratching at the comforter to be lifted up so they can snuggle between my legs at night. No Rebel laying on my pillow, making me shove him over so I can have two inches of mattress space to rest my weary body.

I have grieved for my loss, but I take comfort in the fact that this is for the best. Snoopy and Rebel are "just" dogs. They will adjust and transfer their loyalty to their new family, who will love them and cherish them as I have. Ethan's back is already cleared up. No rash whatsoever! I don't have to worry if I remembered to lock the trash cans or pushed the food on the island back from the edge. I don't have to rush home if I've been out shopping too long to let them out back for potty time. I can leave the door open as I juggle bringing in the groceries and keeping an eye on my wayward 21-month-old son. I don't have to fight with three leashes on my walks around our neighborhood. In fact, I don't have to leash my son anymore, as I can devote all my attention to him and keeping him alive as he explores his world. We don't have to humbly ask my parents to watch them for a weekend if we want to travel, or pay an exorbitant amount of money to kennel them while we visit friends or family far away.

All those positives don't make the emptiness in my chest any less painful. But they do allow me to look forward to the future knowing that God knows best. Life will continue, we will adjust to the new seasons as God brings them to us, and we will give Him glory for His provisions.

My MIL's words echo in my head whenever I start to feel sorry for myself, "It is the privilege of a mother to sacrifice for her children." May I never forget the sacrifice God made for me! Help me remember to be joyful in all things, knowing that God's ways are bigger and better than my own.